Failure (What were you thinking?)


(You are warned. Rather "deadly" material below [I guess]. Read at your own discretion)





I got a major problem. Whenever I fail, I seem to drop straight into the bloody pool. And the problem is that I usually cannot find my way up.

Today is one of those days where I am really disappointed with myself. And whenever I am disappointed, I always question God a lot.

During Chinese tuition, my tutor asked me how much I got for my latest Chinese test. That is like a fuse for me, suddenly I felt really irritated and I really AP-ed my tutor... Feel quite bad now, but sometimes I really cannot handle all these rubbish. (P.S AP means Attitude Problem)

During class one time, when we got back some homework assignment, I got a 65... I was like "Ok... first time I got that marks for that particular type of assignment" and the guy beside me was like "I got 85... so low!" and the other guy beside the first one was like "Yah I agree... Hah! 89! I beat you!" At that time (just now too) I just felt like punching those two idiots. Although I was being rather sensitive at that time, I did not really control it.

And my recent failure... I tried (not hard enough though) for my chinese test and I really thought I would pass, since I understood the passage (for the first time, might I add) and when the paper returned, I got 18/50. The other guy beside me (a different one) hit a 29/50 and he did not even do anything about chinese. I really felt like a failure.

The even more recent one: During my english oral exam, I hit a 30/40. I was rather pleased with myself as I did not know what to say about the stupid picture. And along comes a guy and says that "32 is the average mark". I had rather low expectations actually about the oral... I was aiming for a 28/40, and I got a 30/40... so it kinda exceeded my expectations. But now...

When my tutor asked me to read the compo and left for the bathroom, I just started crying (literally) at that desk... luckily it was a one-to-one tuition, if not I would have died by embarassment first. I (sort of) yelled at God, asking Him "Why the hell did you send me here?" (direct quote) and I also kinda blamed God what in this blasted world does He wants me to do for Him? Here are a few reasons why I said the last line:

1. My Friday prayer meeting FAILED AGAIN!!!!! Everyone claimed that eating is more important, or gave LAME excuses just to give the meeting a miss. Is it because it would look super awkward??? Do you care more about your image than to help your fellow Christians? (Sorry about the tone, I'm very pissed now) Why do you care what people say?

2. Out of the 4 people I invited for the Prayer and Praise Concert, TWO gave me LAME (piece of crap) excuses and ONE missed the timing. Sorry, for the last ONE that you could not go because of these other three buggers.

3. I sort of shared a bit about Christ last year and got gunned down the moment I left the bunker titled "Comfort Zone". This year too (specifically, recently)

God! What in this world do You want me to do? What do You want me to do for You? God, I'm sorry that I flared up at my tutor just now also. God I also am sorry for being so irrational and angry just now during tuition when I was just asking You for all the answers. God I just want to give this up. I cannot take all the bullets that are hitting me point blank. I pray that, Jesus, You would guide me through and that, God, You would show me Your will. In the Name of Jesus, amen

If I had a penknife with me at that time, I would have sliced myself. Suddenly the theory about "Causing physical harm on yourself will ease the emotional pain inside" sounded very logical during tuition. Or maybe I should just throw myself in front of a speeder. If it does not kill me it would ensure a long coma.

Maybe a coma is what I would need to ease off some of the emotional disorders in me.

Electric Guitar time =DD