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Am I actually ready for CG Internship? And, ultimately, CG Leadership?

I dunno if this is what God wants for me.

Today, during the CG Intern Training, Pastor Adrian was talking about the CG system, and how to be a godly spiritual leader. The part during the meeting that hit me was when Pastor was talking about the 4 Ms of a Spiritual Leader.

"Ministry".

How do we actually minister to our group? Let's say someone comes to you with a problem and stuff. Easiest thing to do? Pray.

But what happens when someone else just wants to talk and share something with you? Pastor said that we gotta have a listening ear to the members, hear what they have to say and if they want to pour their sorrows to you, let them.

It just made me think from that time on until just after lunch.

I was like that member. I just realised just now that of all the times I pestered Josh (my CG Leader), none of the times did he say that he was too busy to listen, or that he pretended to listen and stuff.

I had problems that I did not know how to handle, some problems in school, emotional problems etc. I always turned to Josh for help and for advice. He kept giving me very good advice and offered to pray for me and stuff. Wow. I am always very encouraged after talking to him on the phone, or just chatting during camp and stuff.

I dunno. I am very inspired by Josh and his attitude and seriousness towards the CG and God. It really encourages me to keep on trusting God. Although there are a few holes here and there, I think there would be more holes in my life if Josh did not encourage and gave me advice when I really needed it.

Wow. So now I'm gonna be a CG Intern. Oh no.

Over my fragrant plate of Coffee Chicken Rice today, I just could not shake off the feeling that I am not cut out to be a leader.

I could not:
1. Hear God's voice. I only heard Him once or twice... I keep asking God to hear His voice. I want to hear His voice. Others said that they know it when God is talking to them, which makes me feel very queasy and shaky. Because I cannot hear God's voice!!! Must be my ears are tuned to the wrong frequency...

2. Socialise well. I need to be comfortable with the person in order to talk to him/her. As seen in the recent youth camp, I could not gel well with the group on the first day because I am not comfortable with them. I cannot just make a conversation with someone else, usually leaving awkward silences hanging in the air.

I don't think I have:
1. A listening ear. I cannot listen well to someone when he/she is confiding in me. (Not that many people trust me anyway.)

(I cannot remember what else I am gonna say.)

So am I cut out to be a leader?

Maybe I should try it out in class next year.

See what God has to say about this...