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I cannot wait for Saturday. Seriously.

Come to think about it, that is the only day in the week that I am really relaxed and peaceful. Here is a breakdown of my past week and you might see what I mean.

MONDAY: The stress first settles in, with the release of the O level results. A number of people got 8,7,6 distinctions for their O levels and... wow at that hall I can just feel the pressure hitting me hard. I got this fleeting vision that I would be the Top 10% of the school for next year... but its just a fantasy. I wonder if I could do it. During QT on monday, I just asked God to pull me through and guide me.

TUESDAY: Mr Woon gave us a pep talk during A Math (or was it E Math?) lesson and he tells us to put in a couple of hours a day for maths and things will look much better. Wow, I sat there in my seat feeling like a complete loser... I just thought about if I had any free time... actually it's a no. Any time that is not taken up by tuition is gobbled down by homework and THAT STUPID ________________________________ (insert really rude word here) VIETNAM PROJECT!!!!!

WEDNESDAY: Got stressed all over again during Mother Tongue lesson. I really felt lost, as during the time when we all passed up our Chinese homework, everyone else seemed to be able to write a page long worth of reflections! And all I could manage was a paragraph with 5 lines. (A page is about 22-23 lines). Left the class in a very lost and confused mood which lasted through the entire day. Vietnam project LOOKED GOOD during the after-school meeting. I thought, hey maybe something will work out. And...

Some very smart group member of mine sms-ed me during the night. He/she asked me if there would be another meeting on Thursday. I replied him/her, saying I need to see and check the work of the rest of the group members first before deciding. And he/she was like "Can't. Yes or no? If you do not tell me by tonight, I will take it as a no." I was like... what? Maybe it was my already-delirious mood from the Chinese lesson, but I really felt insulted. It was as if he/she does not respect my position as group leader and acts as if he/she is the BOARD OF DIRECTORS who sits down, drink coffee, play golf and takes credit when the company does a good job, BUT fire the workers if the company does a bad job.

I did not do QT on Wednesday. I was really flustered and zonked-out by the project and other factors that I just sat in my chair and just wondered... Has God really left me like this for the rest of the year? When I switched my email on, I saw that I got one new message. I really hoped its the chordsheets for this Saturday's service so that I WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO FROM THIS REALLY CRAPPY AND LONG WEEK. And, indeed, it was the chordsheets. Got so happy and excited that I just picked up my guitar and just practised until about 12+

THURSDAY (a.k.a today) : Really hate today too. First, its the assembly talk Mr Woon gave us today. Its about knowing what matters in your life. I sat there like a malu, really unsure of where my current life is heading to. Chinese is yet another demoralizing lesson for me. I did not really understand the comprehension and a lot of other classmates were already busy doing the compre, but I just sat there, mind totally wiped blank and unable to think at all.

The ___________ project (I think you know what I am talking about) came back and shot me straight in the head. Now I have completely no idea what I am actually doing, so I just draft this post up to try and clear my mind... also blasting music, trying to drown out all my stress and pressure. Now is one of those times where I really feel alone... it feels as if God is very distant and far away from me.

FRIDAY: I really don't know how tomorrow will be like for me. The project needs a meeting, yet I got CCA to attend. Which one should I go? Chinese lesson AGAIN tomorrow... Another frustrating trip. But I can be excited... for the next day is...

SATURDAY!!!!!!!

Saturday. The day I have been waiting for since Sunday. I can finally be in the place where I feel I belong... I am really looking forward to playing the electric guitar for Youth Service. I dunno, I really feel joyful and happy while playing and worshipping God. CG lesson would be really fun too, with the cool icebreakers and the lesson itself... But... when lesson ends, the weight of it all will return. With a bang. Literally.

Seriously, I really feel like I belong in church rather than the class. The class (school) has politics and all that crap... people telling LIES just to save their own butt, while getting the rest of the group into trouble, pressure from teachers to work, stress from CCA, stress from Music class (which I intend to quit), heavy machine gun fire from the project work and all that jazz.

Even when the project is over, the onslaught will continue. Take my CCA for example. I got Debate training on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Thursday is the day where I got to go for my dreaded Music class... and putting everything else into consideration, Monday is my only free day. If I attend the Debate class on Monday, I would get an attendance mark, BUT lose my free time.

Is this really the Sec 4 life? I think if the stress level keeps up for the next few weeks, I will not be surprised that I'll just break down... (Quite ironic, since I am Peer Support... wow the Peer Support personnel needs peer support...)

I think I'm frustrated, stressed and pressured at the same time. Yet, on the other hand, I could be just delirious and mentally insane.

I really strayed from God this week. It could be that I have been living by my own strength and not relying on God.

God, I really need You. Even Your presence with me would be really reassuring and comforting... I really, really need Your presence. From all this work and stress, God, I really cannot handle this myself. God I ask that You would cover me with the shelter of Your wings and that God, you will give me strength and courage and peace to face the coming weeks. God I also ask for an attitude of discipline to do my QT, as I have been slacking these past 3 days. Thank You God. In the name of Jesus, amen.

Labels: saturday, school