[a_CROSS//the

Can I actually keep to my schedule?

I am going to attempt to arrange my time for the next week... But the last few times I actually did that failed miserably. Yes... all along I've been floating and blundering around and not actually keeping to my timetable.

Yesterday's message was really encouraging. When Pastor talked about Max Lucado's book on "You Are Special", I really could relate to Puncililo (I think that is his name), with all the black dots and no stars.

James 4:13-17
Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live to do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesen't do it, sins.

May sound as if the writer is quite angry with the receipient, but I think it applies to us too. Like my timetable for example. I really hope that I can keep to this one, but of course it is by the will of God that we can do things. Other things, such as learning stuff. If God says no, you cannot learn it. But God knows us best. So KUDOS TO GOD! =D

Anyway, as I was saying... I could really relate to Puncililo, as he tries to be somebody that has a lot of gold stars (acheivements and talents)....

So basically, this group of wooden people (I forgot their name) would spend the entire day giving out stars and dots. Stars if they like something that you do, dots when you do something that they do not like.

So Puncililo has a lot of dots, and not a single star.

I really could relate to that, seeing my current situation now... Before Saturday, (for quite a long time) I just could not bear to look in the mirror sometimes. I look up and see myself and I would just turn away. I hate pictures that has me inside close up because I cannot bear to see myself. I really hated how I look.

I hated myself in many ways for the past couple of years. My looks, my attitude, my "weird-ness" etc. etc. etc. I hated myself when I sin. I hated myself when I let a compliment get to my head, I hated my then-perceived lack of abilities and talents, I hated my numerous bad points, I hated my then-perceived "lack of good points".

Yesterday, during Youth Service when Pastor Chee Meng talked about this story and Puncililo covered in black dots, I remembered myself in that sense, how I was like that, trying to be somebody but failing miserably. I tried to be more outspoken, like __________. I tried to be more sociable, like ____________. I tried to soclialise with people (mainly girls xP), like _________, ____________ and ______________ (just to name a few). But it all failed. I just could not be anything else besides myself.

In the story, Puncililo was very sad about the black dots. Until he met Lucilia (again, I am not too sure of the name), who has no dots OR stars stuck on her at all. Puncililo was really curious, and asked her how she managed to do it. Lucilia told Puncililo to go to the carpenter (a.k.a the person who created the wooden race) every day and spend time with him. Puncililo was scared at first, as he thought that the carpenter would reject him for all of the dots and marks on him. However in the end, Puncililo went up to the carpenter's house. Meeting the carpenter, the carpenter, known as Eli, told Puncililo that he (Puncililo) is special and Eli loves him. Why? Because Punclilo belongs to Eli. Eli loves Punclilo for who he is, not how many dots or stars he had.

WOW that part just hits me really hard. I suddenly realised that God actually loves me and he does not care about appearance or result or social status. God just loves who I am. At that point, it just brought tears to my eyes. I really started crying there and then at my seat. I could not control myself, the heart-breaking (in the good sense) moment.

During the altar call, I had to go up. I really needed to surrender my dots to God. I just knelt at the altar, felt God's presense but never heard anything... Strangely, after the altar call and after the last song, I never felt any change whatsoever, but I believe that God is working already... =D

Getting late... I'll leave it here first...

Labels: saturday, Youth